Spring Resolutions: A New Way

     With the onset of a series of increasingly stressful and depressing events in my life, I was coming to the realization that I had no healthy means of escaping the harsh reality I've been forced to experience. I tried drinking, but after a couple nights of falling asleep next to an empty bottle of wine and waking up with a killer headache, I proved to myself once again that I'm an occasional social drinker and little more. I'm too broke for other drugs, and anyway I have no interest in acquiring a habit as expensive as that can be. I don't have insurance so therapy wasn't an option. I was starting to feel like I was overstepping bounds with some of my closer friends, always being the one who needed the ear and having little energy to be the ear for them when they needed it. My only safe comforts in life are my wonderful, loving, near-perfect husband, Sean, and our darling 13 year old marmalade and cream cat, Ender.

     But now, Ender is dying, right here before our eyes, of an intestinal tumor the size of a lemon that we were advised is dangerous to remove and would likely only delay his death, making it harder for us all. And we're devastated. This news, along with all the other stressors in our life- the passing of Sean's father last September, still fresh; moving across the country in the dead of winter; rejection letters from every job for which we've applied; even positive stress such as starting several new musical projects together and my own religious training as a Wiccan Priestess- has been a blow to our hearts that we never expected. We are both absolutely at the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, as far as energy and the ability to care about things goes. We are lucky to have a very strong marriage, and we handle each other with the utmost care. But the depression has been crushing, and we've shied away from going out with friends, having fun, even taking care of our own bodies the way we normally do. We hurt to the bone.
     Ender is still with us, hanging on by a thread. I will spare you the awful details of his slow transition from fat, healthy, & happy cat to the state in which we find him today. He isn't able to hop up on the couch or the bed anymore- we've made little staircases for him out of cardboard boxes. The vet says he's not in pain, so keeping him at home while he's still alive isn't cruel. We couldn't handle it if he was in pain and we were selfishly prolonging his life. We don't want his last memories to be of being dragged to a strange place and forced to go to sleep, to never again awake, so unless he begins to show intense discomfort or pain, his choice, and ours, is for him to die at home, in our care.  But we also wish his passing would occur soon so that we can properly mourn and recover from the loss, and be able to return to normal life without the guilt of doing so.

     The only solution to my need for escape was to find something that I could do at home, on the train, any time of day or night, that would release some stress and help me to cope. I was inspired by another blogger, a woman who read a book a day for a year in order to cope with the loss of her sister. Her blog is http://www.readallday.org/blog/, and I was moved by her dedication to healing herself by reading that I decided to take a look at my own bookshelves. My husband and I are both avid book collectors. I mostly enjoy reading books on anthropology, religion (my two majors in college), science fiction, and biographies and autobiographies. He reads a lot of history, especially World War I and medieval history. Still, we had both been collecting books of all kinds for years, and when we moved in together (after our wedding, who does that anymore!?), we realized we had a pretty impressive library- and that we wouldn't need to buy a new book for a long time, because we both had so many interesting books the other wanted to read. Even in my own collection there were books I'd never "gotten around" to reading.
    So that was the answer to my prayers of relief! I would read all the classics I've always promised myself I would read but never had. On our shelves sit Joyce and Tolstoy, Salinger and Huxley, Melville and Twain. And many of them I never even read in high school literature class.
     My resolution for the year, though not quite new anymore but I never made a real New Year's Resolution anyway, is to read as many of the books on our shelves as possible. The only requirement is that it be considered a classic, part of literary history and not a pulp novel of classless fiction. I hope I can read them all this year, but I'm not going to push myself over the edge and turn this into another obsession. And I still need a job, very badly, so in between applications and interviews, writing this blog, keeping up with my kitchen witchery/cooking blog and starting another blog or two on other subjects, continuing my crafty arts, composing music with Sean, attending Sabbats and writing my assignments for Votary training, selling vintage dresses and housewares on ebay, and all the other things I do, I'll read. Instead of watching movies, I'll read. Instead of listening to music on the train, I'll read. Any time I can, I'll be reading. And I'm staying off of facebook as much as possible! Unless of course I'm posting about my blogs or stuff for sale on ebay and amazon. And even if it only numbs the pain and eases the depression momentarily, that's good enough for me.